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Haha, I Love It: Perfect Responses to Pretend Like You’ve Seen Every Television Show Ever

george partying

Do you have trouble keeping up with the one million television shows that are available to watch, but you love being social with coworkers, friends, or a person that you have a crush on that is dating someone else?

Please stop thinking about this problem from now on! Life is too short to be thinking about not being able to have something to talk about with a person that you have feelings for but you know is very happy in their relationship. And life is also too short to watch every episode of Downton Abbey! I’m kidding Downton-heads, I love that show!

But now in seriousness (if you’ve finished laughing about the Downton Abbey thing I said), I’ve crafted some generic statements that you can say that apply to absolutely every television show that you would ever be asked about around the water cooler or in a Tinder message if you’re able to get a match on there. Never will you be perceived as a person that is too busy to watch a television show in its entirety. When someone innocently asks “How about that episode of Broadchurch?,” you can look them right in both of their eyes and say one of these perfectly ambiguous declarations. Feel free to cut these responses out and refer to them whenever someone decides that they want to embarrass you with their knowledge of a show.

“Yes, this truly is the golden age of television.” / “Wow, that was before the golden age of television.”

For any television show that aired after the year 2000, use the former at the start of a show discussion. Use the alternate for anything before. If you don’t know when the show originally aired, just shake your head slowly and say, “We’re in the golden age of television now.”

“Haha, I love it.”

Do you love that new Netflix comedy that everyone loves? What about that dark documentary series that HBO just premiered? Did you think the Better Call Saul finale was a little lame? It doesn’t matter what the question is because, haha, you love it!

“Don’t get me started.”

People love this one! You either love it so much or hate it so much that they can’t even get you started about it. This is also a fun slogan to put on a T-shirt if you have a marker and a white shirt lying around.

“For me, that is appointment television.”

Leave whichever idiot that asked you about a show in the dust with this response. It’s appointment television for me, need I say more?

“An example of a television show that paved the way for the golden age of television is Twin Peaks, the show created by David Lynch and a man named Mark Frost.”

Any girl that is in a relationship with someone else will really appreciate a factoid like this one.

Oh yes, that was/is good/bad, but let us not spoil it for anyone around us.

You go ahead and spoil a television show for everyone, but I won’t be a part of it. If there’s no one else around you that can have the Red Wedding where Robb Stark dies spoiled for them, just say one of the other responses that I created! They all work!

The Wire is one of the greatest shows of all time.”

Very thought provoking answer to my question/conversation starter, everyone will say. No matter which television show one of your glazed over coworkers is trying to talk to you about, this is a slam dunk to fake like you’ve watched any television show in the world.

And you really shouldn’t need more than that to lie to your friends or to appear like everything is fine with you regardless of what a person you love is doing with someone else. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you’re now able to participate in any conversation about any show that exists. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to watch an episode of The Wire, a show I consider to be one of the greatest of all time.

 

My Brief Time with the Rat Pack

Sky That Was Your Heart Cover

It was Deano who walked up to me first when I was just sitting minding my own Ps and Qs (and maybe a few sleepy Zs) in my baby crib near the back of Musso and Frank Grill. This was old Hollywood as I like to call it. My mother had left me there unattended while she went across the street to watch television through a nearby shop window. She knew that at least one of the members of the Rat Pack would see this little baby and take care of it until she got done watching a 60’s-era television show that she loved.

“Who let this little tickly tot into my bar?” Dean Martin, the humorous member of the Rat Pack, said. “Goo goo ga ga, baby, it makes me want to sing.”

And then he did. I can still remember most of the lyrics despite it having happened over fifty years ago and me being a baby at the time.

Little baby boy at Musso and Frank

Too much of a little baby for whiskey and steak

 His singing was the literal opposite of bad. It sounded so good to my little baby ears that I started shaking my diapered rump up and down to the lilt of his voice. And whether it was the singing or me making baby coos, I do not know, but that was when Frankie Sinatra popped his little head in over my crib and started making classic peek-a-boo faces at me. Frank Sinatra, the leader of the Rat Pack, was making peek-a-boo faces at yours truly and you better believe I was one happy baby sitting in a crib. This was Frank Sinatra at his peak in my opinion. He then joined in on the Deano original, adding his own classic improvised lines to the song.

Just having Frankie and Deano sing to me would have been enough, but before they both could even rhyme with Musso and Frank again, Sammy Davis Jr., the fun member of the Pack, joined them and started adding his singing voice to the mix. Now I was truly in baby heaven.

Frankie instantly started screaming with that smooth voice that we all know that he has. “We got ourselves a baby at a bar, gentlemen. I wish Joey Bishop the other member of the Rat Pack was here to see it.”

They all laughed.

“Joey has been acting like an absolute square ever since he started secretly dating our official den mother, Lauren Bacall,” Deano said. “I wish this baby could take over for him.”

Were my cute little ears actually hearing this? Deano Martin, the humble member of the Rat Pack, wanted me as a baby to join their infamous group?

“Deano, no,” Sammy Davis Jr. said. “This is just a little baby boy at Musso and Frank. Too much of a little baby for whiskey and steak. I don’t think he’d make a good member. I like to party and have fun with you guys sans baby.”

Frankie had stopped screaming with that drizzled-in-honey voice and he looked at Sammy Davis Jr. right in both of his eyes. “Well, maybe life isn’t all about having fun, Sammy Davis Jr. I know you’re the fun member of our Pack, but sometimes just hanging out with a baby can be its own kind of fun.”

“Frankie, baby, I’m sorry. You’re right,” Sammy Davis Jr. said. “I realize that there is joy that can come from being with babies.”

“I’d like to use your insight as a launching off point,” Deano said. “Seeing this little baby reminds me of the joy that being with family can bring as well. I have four children at this point in my life.”

“I also have children that I love at this point in my life,” Sammy Davis Jr. said.

Frank Sinatra, just years away from being the subject of that Gay Talese profile, started to cry. “Let’s stop fooling around with this silly Rat Pack lifestyle that we’re known for and spend time with our respective families. That is what I’ve learned from being with this baby.”

With my face right up against the bars of my crib, I watched as they gave each other a classic hug and then walk out of Musso and Frank together still in an embrace.

All of the singing and the crying and the hugging had taken about thirty minutes and that’s when my mother’s television show ended and she was able to take me and my crib back home. I never saw even one member of the Rat Pack again. I read in the newspaper the next day as a baby that the group had broken up to spend more time with their families. I don’t want to sit here as an old man and pretend that I’m fully responsible for the dissolution of the Pack, but it’s hard not to feel that way. I was the baby they saw at Musso and Frank that night. A little baby boy at Musso and Frank, too much of a little baby for whiskey and steak. 

Nanowrimo Status

Current Word Count: 1616

Pray for the Riley.

The End of Book Publishing(?)

New York Magazine has a grim article about the future of book publishing. It’s really hard for me to pretend to understand it all. I am still left with so many questions. What does this mean for major authors like myself if James Frey (writer, liar) can’t even recoup his advance?

Hot Off the Presses

 

get your wallets out…Fall 2008